Ok, isi posting inilah yang jadi alasan kenapa blog-ku namanya Mommy's Madness.
Aku menduga (kuat) kalau aku mengalami post partum depression (PpD) atau depresi pasca melahirkan. Tentunya aku nggak punya background psikologi untuk mengatakan kalau aku positif PpD. Aku hanya 'belajar' dari internet. I know this thing after browsing the net cause I really want to find out why my 'inner world' is falling apart.
Aku nggak akan menjelaskan panjang lebar tentang apa itu PpD. Please just browse, you'll find plenty of it.
Hari ini aku cuma akan menceritakan apa yang aku rasakan dan pikirkan. It won't be pretty. You might think I'm evil, drama queen or just spoiled brat after reading this. Atau sebaliknya, memercayai ceritaku ini karena pernah mengalaminya. Respon-respon pro-kontra juga diterima Brooke Shields setelah mengeluarkan buku Down Came the Rain, yang menceritakan PpD yang dialaminya, yang bukunya baru kupesan kemarin, jadi belum tahu isi persisnya apa.
Sebetulnya dari dulu aku sudah ingin menceritakan hal ini. Bahkan, aku sudah punya dua draft posting yang berbeda untuk soal ini. Tapi nggak pernah selesai. Today my hubby told me to write my feelings to release the pressures. I will just type about what happened and what I felt for the last 2 years. So here we go, posting my madness.
Aku berhenti kerja saat hamil Basil 8 bulan. Saat itu perusahaan tempatku bekerja nggak menyenangkan, sucks. Lalu melahirkan secara normal sekitar sebulan kemudian. Melahirkan ternyata mengerikan bagiku. Aku nggak pernah masuk rumah sakit sejak umur 2 tahun. So, it's quite a shock that I have to experience of being cut, stitched and (I think)terrible contraction in the same day. However, after my baby born, I felt happy just 'finished the job'.
But after I got home, I found another shock. BABY is a new thing for me. I've been the youngest in family in almost 30 years. No baby nearby back then. Not until Basil arrived.
I cried sometimes on that time. Mostly because I was afraid if I mistreat my baby. Basil too always nibble on me. I felt that I was just a milking cow.
Later on, when Basil finally got good chore of daily activity, I started to get a grip on this baby thing. Unfortunately, I started to felt sad for another thing too. I felt lonely. I was usually at work, with at least about 100 people. Now I work for my baby alone. Everyday I see only him and my parents (since I still live with my parents).
Then I start to think to make a business. Something that can bring me activities AND money. Yes, because I also has to adjust the condition of out of job, where I don't have money by my own unless I ask to my hubby. Of course his money is mine too. But I was get used to be independent and earn my own money.
Later on, when Basil reach 6 months old, I felt a little relief. I thought we've reached ASIX (exclusive breastfeeding), so whether we continue in breastfeeding or not was optional. Of course I choose to continue. Basil also started learning to eat. So I finally can have a little time for myself, I THOUGHT.
On contrary, Allah think differently. Allah gave us a new baby. Taraaaaa! It was a huge shock to me and I cried guilty to Basil. However, my hubby finally can made me accept the fact. I finally accept the baby.
Then come the news. My hubby have to go to NZ for 6 months for sort of a work-training, sent by the company. So, I kinda have to go through the second pregnancy 'alone'.
However, I think that time everything was quite under control. I made Basil as my priority, more than the baby in my womb.
We almost go to NZ to see my hubby, but canceled. Why? I got DBd (Dengue fever) caused by that evil little mosquito. I spent 9 days in hospital and have a moment of arguing doctors because I need to go home and nursing Basil.
The day I went home, I met the nanny for the first time. She already at my parents' home, dropped by my mother-in-law.
Never in my life I want to have a nanny for my children. So when my hubby offered me to get a nanny to help me I didn't say anything much. I just said I don't think I want it. But while in hospital, decision was made.
The next chapter is hating the nanny. I never want a nanny. I don't want to give my responsibility to a stranger. A moron one too. I hate that I have to remind her over and over again. I hate that I have to yapping at her. I hate her to be too close to my son. I hate her stinky odor. Most of them, I hate the fact that she's an eavesdropper and just love to jump into our conversation. Freakin' interferer! Freakin' a family member-wannabe!
I gutsy hate herrrrrr!
But I couldn't do much, I was still pregnant and needed extra hand for Basil. I wish my parents would be that extra hand. But they felt they're too old to super-active Basil. A disappointment came to me when hearing it.
I then just promised myself to fire her right when I can control the tasks of nursing 2 boys.
Then I gave birth to Adiyb.
Tandem nursing is not easy. I found Basil wanted to breastfeed more since having a brother. He probably doesn't wanna to run out of my milk. Worst, my patience became very short. I couldn't hold my emotion when Basil kept on nibbling on me refusing to sleep at night while his brother crying and my mum called me to get him. I -this is hard- hurt Basil few times. I lost control and either bite him with my lips, or shook him angrily. It happened about 3-4 times. Until one day, I almost fell asleep while breastfeeding him. Suddenly he bit me. as i was startled, when someone hurt me, I instantly wanna hurt back. So I shook him hard, but soon realized I might hurt him. At that second I madly regret what I did and slapped my face once and knocking my head hard with my fist again and again. I stopped coz Basil crying in confuse watching me doing so. Afraid if that scene might affected him, I stopped hurting myself. My head still aching until the next day.
Then my hubby came home. Luckily Adiyb is a calmer kid, compare to Basil.
But chaos in my head was still getting worse. I could found myself very upset time to time not knowing the real reason. Hating the nanny was became so painful. Because I felt that I have to live with person that I don't like. Like, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Plus I cannot go anywhere. My parents asked us to stay there coz their house is too big for just two persons. It is on sale, but when will it be sold??
I almost felt relief when the nanny said she's going to her hometown and won't come back here again. I thought at least no one interfere us again and I can release my hatred and try to release other pain one by one.
But, boy, I was wrong again!
My mum so afraid to be without a house helper, they offer her to work with them. Guys, I still live here! I still can see her if you hire her!
So they said it's up to me, whether I still want to accept her or not. I choose to silent and postponed the whateva decision until don't know when.
I'm still so upset.
It's been few days I felt like don't want to get off my bed in the morning.
I tried to play blind and deaf to avoid of being up and down in emotion. I close my eyes to Basil.
I then found recently that my baby blues is no longer just blues, it became PpD.
I am so crying for help. I said to hubby "I might need a shrink". I just don't want to be crazy for God's sake!
My hubby try things to avoid me to go to the shrink. He hopes that I still can be 'saved' without any shrink. He bought me things to make me happier. He pushed me to get a new hair cut to refresh my look.
This morning he said I never smile again.
I just hope he still want to be by my side.
Can I smile again?